After my Big Dream years back when Jesus invited me to follow him, I woke with an undeniable feeling that my life would ever be the same…that the core of me was forever changed.
In the New Testament, when Jesus says to the blind man, would you like to see? He is not only asking the man if he wants to physically see, but if he wants to see spiritually. In essence, he says to the blind man, Do you want blindness to fall from your eyes and your heart?
For days after my dream, I felt like the Grinch whose closed heart cracked opened as wide as the sky. It was as if a raw, untouched love was ripped from a tightly bound sardine can in my heart – and it ached so bad – a shocking ache – like an infant bursting forth from the dark comfort of it’s mother’s womb, into a bright, penetrating, high voltage light.
We were living in the Santa Barbara around that time, a beautiful, small, quaint coastal California city known as a jewel of the Pacific. The town, nestled in the arms of the majestic Santa Ynez mountains, stretched to the central California beaches lined with palm trees. I’d always been seduced by Santa Barbara’s coastal beauty dotted with Spanish architecture, and its quaint main street with lively restaurants and a trolley leading to the beach. Yet, when I lived there, I soon noticed an oppressive, stark, contradiction between great wealth – those living in the hills on acres of land with gated driveways – and the poor — Mexican service workers living in small apartments crammed with aunts, uncles, cousins and children, several old used cars parked in front of shabby homes and on lawns. Most even felt alienated from the minority of white, middle class.
Days after my Big Dream, just before sunrise, I drove down lower State Street toward the beach for a morning run. The morning fog hanging low diffused a shadowed parade of homeless men and women roaming the otherwise empty sidewalks. It was like a scene from Night of the Living Dead. One pushed a shopping cart filled with stuffed plastic bags, another cried out jumbled stories of espionage. As I passed Macy’s and silent restaurants normally teeming with travelers and locals, for the first time the agonizing reality of the town’s contradictions pierced my heart, to the point I thought a stream of blood might burst forth from my chest. For years I walked down State Street barely noticing these people without homes dragging behind them hungry dogs and crumbled, white plastic garbage bags tied together, filled with who knows what, camouflaged by crowds of shoppers and tourists with shopping bags from Nordstroms and Anthropology — too busy sightseeing and licking ice cream cones to notice.
On that somber morning as I stood watching them wandering alone, each in their own separate worlds on their way to nowheresville, I wondered about their families, and what their childhood homes look liked. I wondered how their stories had taken them to Santa Barbara’s lovely main street, and when they lost their right minds.
These moments, when I first glimpsed the truth of suffering beyond my glamorous worldly preoccupations, were the dawning of my spiritual awakening.
This is Amazing Grace, and when it arrives, it sings the song of once being blind, and now seeing, shining spotlights of hope and compassion before us, humming melodies of possibility, blazing visions of a new world. Perhaps it’s like when grace visited Martin Luther King, Jr., the night before he died, the night he gave his mountaintop speech:
“Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I’m not concerned about that now. I just want to do God’s will. And He’s allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I’ve looked over. And I’ve seen the Promised Land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land!”
I saw before me that day thousands of wealthy Santa Barbara residents coming down from their homes in the hills with food, clothing and blankets, helping the homeless find homes, sharing with their neighbors in need, loving one another regardless of the color of their skin, or money in Bank of America, sitting on blankets in the park sharing meals, an abundance of food before them – and joy such joy.
At that moment it occurred to me that the world could be a beautiful place if only we are healed of our blindness. If only we participated in the creation of heaven on earth.
The world, infused with agape love, generosity and compassion, is what Martin Luther King called the ‘beloved community‘, what Jesus meant when he said, the kingdom is at hand, and thy kingdom come they will be done on earth as it is in heaven, what great sages call compassionate action.
I just heard about a documentary about a pastor rescuing abandoned infants from garbage cans on the streets of Seoul in South Korea.
Amazing Grace.
Although only for a brief moment, I glimpsed a blazing truth — that giving to poor, healing the broken, and loving our neighbor — is creating heaven on earth.
As I drove home today, Imagine came on the radio and I cried – I cried because hope pierced my heart:
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people sharing all the world.
I think now of my blindness — how just before my Big Dream, I was impressed by the homes of well-to do friends, wishing I could have the houses they had. But now, this matters not. My poverty came not in being unable to afford a multi-million dollar home, but in having been pre-occupied with seductions – seductions blinding me to the pain, loneliness and hunger seeping through the cracks in my own community, the people in need, mere ghosts.
The night visitor in my dream came with a sword, cutting through the shroud of denial, ripping blinders off my eyes, and pointing me in new directions. I’m still moving in that direction and grace is my guide, because often I still can’t see very well. But I hope — I hope for participating in the creation of a beloved community, being a contributor, helping build a promised land for someone, some child, some hurting person, some friend, some stranger. And I’m learning from those who can see better than me.
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I love this so much… especially today – as the interwebs are on fire with a movement to sow grace and make a difference for the lives of family who live across the world… Lord – help us to SEE… and be the change that is needed! Amen!
Always love your thoughts and feedback, Karrilee! Yes, the fire is aflame with the desire for mercy and grace — Ann Voskamp’s recent blog about the families fleeing ISIS cracked my heart wide open–and I’m inspired by so many others calling out to join together to help make change, reminding one another to help us to SEE, really SEE! I’m blessed to share this journey with you and so many others with cracked open hearts..the beloved community is spreading, thousands of mustard seeds..
Beautifully put. I remember clearly the overwhelming and utter heart wrenching sight when I first walked the streets of London after my own Big Dream. I was almost consumed by the depravation and depth of pain I saw around me.
I cried out and He spoke, “If everyone does what they can, it will be enough” And so I do my part and make the difference I can. With all my heart I bless you in your difference making.
Dear Kate, Thank you for your beautiful thoughts and sharing your own experience of being awakened to the pain around you after your Big Dream –wow–the visceral experience of being awakened!. I also appreciate how you describe being ‘consumed’ by the the pain you witnessed. I felt the same –consumed. I’m also amazed He spoke similar words to you “If everyone does what they can, it will be enough”. I think God is reaching many of us with such messages–through dreams, visions, people — reminding us what’s so needed, to cut through materialism and the quiet desperation of the world. I’d love to hear more about your Big Dream if you ever feel up for sharing. I’m so moved by your experience! Do consider signing up for blogs, I’d love you to join us!
Gut-wrenching story. I cherish such brief, yet all too infrequent moments of clarity such as you described here. I would be interested in knowing how this moment of clarity has played out in practical, tangible ways. Given what has happened in your heart and your head, what happened to your hands? What is your ongoing response to what you can now see?
When I moved from central Kansas to Bellingham, WA in 1991, I was stunned (no exaggeration) at the number of homeless people I drove by every day on my way to and from work. I am still taken aback by it 24 years later. What is the practical response of a Christ-follower to this plethora of need?
That is not a rhetorical question. I really do wonder, and search for effective answers…
Dear Damon, I’m grateful for your comment and visiting here. Thank you so for sharing your deep thoughts and rich questions — Such profoundly important questions! In answer to your question how this moment of clarity played out in my life in practical ways..Soon after the experience, I was compelled to bring a sandwich and water and jackets/blankets to some of the people without homes in Santa Barbara on a regular basis, and joined in sharing some gifts and hot chocolate with others during Christmas..I know this isn’t a great deal, but it opened me to the opportunity to witness grateful hearts I don’t always see in everyday life, and to learn about their lives..I think some of us give in small ways, others in bigger ways..I have a friend who left his job as pastor of a church and went to work full time with these people without homes–getting them medical care and mental health services they need, helping them get jobs and homes–he’s doing amazing work. I do think God gave him certain gifts to be able to do this work. I believe God was calling me for other work, using my gifts in other ways. After I moved from Santa Barbara, I felt a calling to produce a documentary film about male survivors of childhood sexual abuse through my company (www.bigvoicepictures.com) and spent the last years bringing it to communities through outreach campaigns and collaborating with organizations to help get much needed services for healing and recovery for men where they were lacking before. This was not a film I wanted to do, but it became clear as we prayed about it after we learned about a boy in our community that was sexually abused, and we ‘listened’ for direction– it became clear it there was a real need to produce it. I went on to be shown in communities throughout the globe, making a difference in many men’s lives. It became a catalyst for awareness, helping community leaders to create services, support groups, and needed dialog (was screened with panel at White House, too). I’m currently going through another period of prayer for what’s next in how my gifts might be used in the world. I believe we all have special, spiritual gifts to be used even in both small and large ways. I think the practical response of a Christ-follower to the plethora of needs is prayerfully asking God for how we can be used right were we are at the time of our lives according to the gifts we have been given..and to ask for insight and clarity for where we can serve – and then act. It’s not always something ‘big’..it’s what is needed right in front of us, and different stages of our lives may call us to something different. Sometimes it’s simply forgiving people in our lives, being kind to those right in front of us– other times it might be doing something much larger. I think also a practical response is always being sure we’re abiding in God –and not the world — which will blind us and make us numb. This is a regular practice for me..to check in with myself if I’ve gotten off track (and it happens often!), and simply, gently, returning to God and discerning God’s will for each moment, with each person I meet — to always return to the intention of being the branches on the vine.
What a beautiful blessing reading this. There is so much to do and we are blind to it, but I’m finding God working on my heart more and more each day. Thanks for sharing this real-life love story of people helping others. I think I’m doing my part, but reading this I know I need to be doing MORE.
Thank you so much, Debbie. I’m so grateful for your heartfelt words! I also get the feeling I need to be doing so much MORE — especially since the work that’s needed is immense. Surely we need to extend ourselves, put someone’s needs over our material strivings.. However, I am also starting to see the grace in doing work such as healing relationships, forgiving, offering kind words and help to friends and neighbors, working on being a better person, offering mercy and compassion where it’s needed. We also need to work together to do MORE..step out into community.. raise funds together for those in need..so much more can be done in community…Thanks so much for your thoughts! I’d love you to consider sign up for the blog.. So loved having you here!
Kathy, I know that feeling…it’s almost like (without sounding too “woo-woo”) an out-of-body experience…where you start longing for home and seem to be not of this world. It’s definitely a Holy Spirit experience. And you suddenly get what Solomon was saying in Ecclesiastes…”it’s all meaningless…chasing after the wind…” Then you come back to this earth and think…well, I don’t have to live that way. I can make a difference. And we can. This was beautiful. Hey, I would love that recipe for the chocolate pudding made with agave. can you email it to me?
Hi Mary, So lovely to have you visit and to read your eloquent comment–you describe the awakening experience so beautifully! I had glimpses of Holy Spirit experiences throughout my life, some more profound then others, but this one was like a mighty breath awakening my soul. These ‘woo-woo’ experiences are more common then talked about! And they do bring forth the feeling that the other way of life is ‘meaningless’..I just love your interpretation of these experiences! And I will email you chocolate pudding made with agave..and another ‘ice-cream’ made with frozen bananas and unsweetened chocolate!